I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
