I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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