I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
