they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
