i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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