Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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