Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
