I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
