I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
