too bad you live with your parents still
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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