just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
