is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
you had me at cake vodka
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
