he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
