the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
