just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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