hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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