Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
