remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
