Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
