Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
