I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
