Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
