so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My vagina is officially offended.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
