The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
