Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
