Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
