I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
The uberlube is also flammable
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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