dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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