True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
