there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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