I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
