last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
