just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
