we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
