Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
