I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
