About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
The air was thick with penises
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
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