I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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