my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
