i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
