The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
