i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
