genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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