I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
