Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
