actually, I'm a sock model
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
