capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
