I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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