just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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