I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
