And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
