My underwear smells like fireworks.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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